For Leaders Who Keep Asking Themselves This

Why Am I So Reactive as a Leader?

It's not a discipline problem. It's a seeing problem. The Awareness Map is the model I use with clients to show exactly what happens in the mind between an event and a reaction — and how to catch it in time.

RememberingThe mind returns to the past

PredictingThe mind moves into the future

InterpretingThe mind assigns meaning

ReactingMind and body respond

NarratingThe mind creates commentary

What Is
Occurring?

Awareness does not stop thought. It helps us recognize thought as thought.

01 — The Central Distinction

What Is Occurring?

At any moment, life is occurring. A conversation is happening. A number appears on a financial report. An employee pauses before answering. A thought appears. A memory surfaces.

Then, almost instantly, the mind begins doing what minds do: it remembers, predicts, interprets, reacts, and narrates. These movements are not mistakes — they are natural human capacities. The difficulty begins when we don't recognize them as movements of mind, and instead experience them as unquestionable reality.

What is occurring is immediate.
The story about what is occurring is constructed.

A practical definition: an occurrence is what can be noticed in the present moment before explanation is added. It may be external — something seen, heard, or measured — or internal — a thought, sensation, emotion, or impulse arising now.

The Awareness Gap

The Awareness Gap is the small but meaningful space between what occurs and the meaning or action that follows. Coaching often happens inside this gap. As the gap becomes visible, a client discovers that a reaction is not the only available response, and a familiar story is not the only possible truth.

02 — Why This Understanding Matters

Benefits of Seeing the Distinctions

Benefit	What Becomes Possible
Greater clarity	Clients separate facts from assumptions and see the actual situation more accurately.
Emotional steadiness	An emotion can be felt without automatically becoming a command.
Better decisions	Leaders become less likely to make permanent decisions from temporary states of mind.
More effective communication	People speak to what happened rather than accusing others with interpretations presented as facts.
Reduced rumination	Remembering is recognized as a present-moment mental event, not a past event happening again.
More creativity	When prediction loosens, the future is no longer limited to what the mind already knows.
Improved relationships	Clients grow more curious about others and less certain their own interpretation is the whole story.
Stronger leadership presence	A leader can stay with what is unfolding rather than rushing to defend, fix, control, or conclude.

When the distinctions go unseen:

We argue with interpretations as if they were facts.
We relive the past while believing the past is happening now.
We fear predictions as though they are settled outcomes.
We treat emotional reactions as proof that our story is true.
We narrate ourselves into fixed identities: "This is who I am," "This always happens."
We make decisions to relieve discomfort rather than to serve what matters.
We unknowingly recreate the very future we fear, because our behavior organizes around the prediction.

An unseen story does not feel like a story.
It feels like reality.

03 — The Five Distinctions

Occurring vs. The Movements of Mind

Occurring vs. Remembering

Occurring is what is happening now. Remembering is the mind replaying or reconstructing something that happened before.

In Practice

"My business partner criticized my proposal yesterday." The criticism isn't occurring now. What's occurring now may be a memory, a tightening in the chest, and a thought: "He doesn't respect me."

Coaching Inquiry

Is the original event occurring now, or is remembering occurring now?

Occurring vs. Predicting

Occurring is present reality. Predicting is the mind imagining, estimating, or declaring what will happen next.

In Practice

"The client hasn't replied." That's the occurrence. "We're going to lose the account" is a prediction.

Coaching Inquiry

What do I know, and what am I forecasting?

Occurring vs. Interpreting

Occurring is the observable fact. Interpreting is the meaning assigned to that fact.

In Practice

"She looked away while I was speaking" is observable. "She's disengaged and doesn't respect me" is interpretation.

Coaching Inquiry

What happened, and what meaning did I add?

Occurring vs. Reacting

Occurring is the event or internal experience arising now. Reacting is the conditioned mental, emotional, physiological, or behavioral response.

In Practice

A colleague challenges your idea. Heat rises in your face and you interrupt. The challenge occurred; defensiveness and interruption were reactions.

Coaching Inquiry

What is the reaction asking me to do, and do I need to obey it?

Occurring vs. Narrating

Occurring is life unfolding. Narrating is the inner commentary that explains, evaluates, rehearses, dramatizes, and turns moments into a personal story.

In Practice

"There's a difficult conversation tomorrow" becomes: "I always end up dealing with these problems. No one else takes responsibility. It's all on me."

Coaching Inquiry

What is the narrator saying, and what remains when I hear it simply as narration?

The five are often layered. In real life, these distinctions rarely occur one at a time. A memory may trigger an interpretation, which produces a reaction, which the narrator then uses to predict a future. The purpose of the map isn't to force experience into categories — it's to help a client slow the sequence enough to see what's happening.

04 — A Guided Practice

The Tree Exercise

A tree is useful because it is simple, visible, and relatively neutral. It remains where it is while the mind moves through past, future, meaning, emotion, and commentary.

Remembering"I remember collecting pine cones with my father."
Predicting"That tree may fall in the next storm."
Interpreting"That is a beautiful, strong tree."
Reacting"I feel peaceful… or uneasy."
Narrating"I should spend more time in nature."

Look at a tree, a plant, or another ordinary object. For the first few seconds, let yourself simply see it — shape, color, movement, texture, light, space.
Notice remembering. Perhaps the tree brings back childhood, a person, a place, a holiday, a painful event.
Notice predicting. The mind may imagine the tree growing, dying, falling, being removed, causing a future problem.
Notice interpreting. The tree becomes beautiful, ugly, strong, neglected, healthy, dangerous, symbolic.
Notice reacting. Peace, sadness, fear, warmth, tension, or indifference may arise.
Notice narrating. The mind comments: "I love trees," "I need more nature," "I should take a photo."
Return to the tree. Ask: What is here before I add anything?

The tree never left the present.
Only the mind did.

Debrief Questions

At what point did you stop experiencing the tree and begin experiencing your thinking about the tree?
Which movement of mind appeared first?
Did any interpretation feel like an objective property of the tree?
What happened when you returned to direct seeing?
Where else in your life might you be relating to a story rather than to what is actually here?

05 — In the Room

Two Case Stories

Case One

The Silent Partner

Daniel is the founder of a professional-services firm. During a leadership meeting, his business partner listens to a growth proposal, says very little, and leaves five minutes early. Daniel spends the afternoon distracted and increasingly frustrated.

The occurrence: his partner spoke briefly, asked two questions, and left the meeting five minutes early.

Remembering

Daniel recalls two disagreements from the previous year and an earlier time his partner resisted expansion.

Predicting

He imagines the proposal being blocked and the partnership eventually breaking down.

Interpreting

He concludes the silence means disapproval and leaving early was disrespectful.

Reacting

His chest tightens. He becomes curt with his team and drafts a defensive email.

Narrating

"I'm the only one trying to move this company forward. He always does this when things matter."

What emerged: Daniel had almost sent an accusatory email in response to a future that hadn't happened, and a meaning he'd never verified. He called his partner and asked a clean question. His partner had left early because of a family issue, and had been quiet because he wanted time to review the numbers. The proposal wasn't rejected — several refinements were needed. Daniel didn't learn to think positively. He learned to see what he knew, what he'd added, and what remained open.

Case Two

The Missed Number

Maria leads a sales division. Her team finishes the quarter at 94 percent of target. Before the review meeting begins, she is already bracing for criticism from the CEO.

The occurrence: the team reached 94 percent of the stated target.

Remembering

She recalls a harsh performance review from a former employer.

Predicting

She imagines losing influence, budget, and eventually her role.

Interpreting

She treats 94 percent as evidence she has failed as a leader.

Reacting

She becomes controlling, rewrites the presentation herself, and speaks sharply to two team members.

Narrating

"At this level, one miss is all it takes. I should have seen this coming."

When Maria separates the number from the story, she can still take the shortfall seriously without making it a verdict on her identity. She enters the review prepared to discuss causes, lessons, and corrective action. Responsibility remains; unnecessary self-threat decreases. Clear seeing doesn't remove standards or accountability — it removes the extra psychological weight that interferes with intelligent action.

06 — Reopening the Future

Possibility vs. Predicting

Possibility and prediction both refer to the future, but they create very different relationships to it.

Predicting

A conclusion disguised as foresight

"I know how this will go."
Narrows perception
Seeks certainty
Repeats the known future

Possibility

An opening that does not require certainty

"I do not yet know."
Expands perception
Invites curiosity
Allows something new

Awareness creates space.
Space reveals possibility.

Prediction often sounds like knowledge: "This won't work," "They'll say no," "He'll never change." Sometimes predictions are informed and useful — the issue isn't forecasting itself, but forgetting that a forecast is still a thought about a future that hasn't arrived. Possibility begins with intellectual and psychological humility. It doesn't require optimism; it simply refuses to collapse the unknown into a familiar conclusion.

The bridge: awareness creates space between the present occurrence and the predicted future. Inside that space, a client can ask —

What have I already concluded?
What outcome am I treating as inevitable?
What else could be true?
What conversation, experiment, or action would create new information?
Who might I be if I weren't organized around avoiding my prediction?

07 — The Practice

The Awareness Practice

Pause

Interrupt the automatic speed of the story. One slow breath is enough.

→

Notice

What is occurring, externally and internally — facts, sensations, thoughts, impulses.

→

Distinguish

Remembering, predicting, interpreting, reacting, narrating. No need to eliminate them — just name them.

→

Allow

Let the present experience exist without immediately fixing, defending, or explaining it.

→

Choose

Respond from clarity and possibility — what serves the situation and what matters most.

The 90-Second Version

What is occurring? What am I adding? What do I not yet know? What response is available now?

08 — Try It This Week

A Seven-Day Awareness Experiment

Day 1 — Observe

Three times today, ask: "What is occurring right now?" Don't try to change the answer.

Day 2 — Separate Fact & Meaning

Choose one stressful situation. Write the observable facts in one column, your interpretations in another.

Day 3 — Catch a Prediction

Notice one future statement with "will," "never," "always," or "probably." Rewrite it as a possibility.

Day 4 — Study a Reaction

When activation arises, locate it in the body. Name the impulse without acting for 30 seconds.

Day 5 — Hear the Narrator

Write down the narrator's favorite sentence. Read it as a line spoken by a commentator, not truth.

Day 6 — Use the Tree

Spend five minutes with a tree or ordinary object. Notice each movement, then return to direct experience.

Day 7 — Reopen Possibility

Take one stuck situation and ask: "What do I not yet know, and what small action would create new information?"